If you’ve ever found yourself obsessing over someone from your pas..constantly remembering the good times and wondering why you still can’t fully move on, you are so not alone. And this? This blog is absolutely for you.
I’m Carly Ann, therapist and life coach, and I help people overcome anxious attachment, overthinking, and self-doubt – especially when it comes to love and relationships. If you’re new here, hi! And if you’re a returning reader, thank you. You make this space feel like home.
Feel free to DM me your takeaways over on Instagram – I genuinely love hearing from you.
Today we’re unpacking something I hear all the time from clients and course members alike:
Why am I still obsessing over the good times with someone who wasn’t actually good for me?
Whether it’s an ex, a fling, a friend, or even someone where it never quite took off, this pattern is painfully common…and confusing. You know the relationship wasn’t right. You remember the heartbreak, the distance, the unmet needs.
And yet, your mind keeps drifting back to the smiles, the inside jokes, the moment they kissed your forehead and made you feel chosen.
So what gives?
Recently, someone inside my 21-day challenge, Stuck to Secure, asked this exact question:
“Why do I keep going over the good times with them, even though I know they hurt me?”
It’s a question that deserves more than “just forget them.” Because obsessing over the good times isn’t just a bad habit—it’s often a protective pattern. One that forms when you’re deeply attached and craving connection.
Let’s break it down.
1. Your Brain Is Trying to Reduce the Pain
(And the Good Memories Are Like a Temporary Escape)
When someone you’re attached to is no longer in your life, it can feel like a piece of your identity has gone missing. That ache? It’s real. And your brain is trying its best to help…it wants to soothe you.
So it plays the highlight reel.
“Remember when they surprised you with your favourite snack?”
“Remember when they texted just to say they missed you?”
In those moments, the memories offer a burst of relief. That familiar spark of safety or closeness. It becomes your brain’s version of a comfort blanket.
But here’s the kicker: that comfort is short-lived. And soon, your brain learns that remembering the good times makes the pain momentarily softer. So it keeps doing it. Again and again.
????️ Try this instead:
When you catch yourself mid-memory, pause and gently ask:
“What pain or fear am I trying to avoid by thinking about this?”
Then validate it.
“Of course I’m hurting. Of course I miss feeling seen.”
Just naming what’s underneath the memory softens its grip.
2. Your Mind Edits the Story
(It Highlights the Good and Fades the Rest)
Ever looked back at a holiday and thought, “That was amazing,” only to forget the delayed flight, the sunburn, or the argument in the car?
Welcome to your brain on nostalgia.
Your mind tends to romanticise the highs and minimise the lows—it’s a thing called rosy retrospection. And after a breakup or loss, it shows up hard.
You zoom in on the laughs, the compliments, the nights you felt alive. And slowly, the moments you felt confused, dismissed, or hurt start to blur.
You’re not imagining the good – but you’re not remembering the full picture either.
????️ Try this instead:
Make a “reality list.”
Draw a line down the middle of a page. On one side, jot down the good memories you keep replaying. On the other side, write the truths you tend to forget—the letdowns, the mixed signals, the lonely moments.
This isn’t about bashing the other person. It’s about freeing you from the illusion.
3. You’re Craving the Feeling, Not Just the Person
And now for the truth bomb that can change everything:
You might not be missing them.
You might be missing who you felt like when you were with them.
Maybe you felt beautiful. Wanted. Loved. Maybe you finally let yourself believe you were enough.
So now, when they’re gone, it feels like that version of you left with them.
But hear me on this:
That feeling was never theirs to give. It was always inside you.
Yes, they may have sparked it – but it came from your ability to connect, to open, to feel. That’s yours. And you can access it again, in other relationships, in community, and in the way you show up for yourself.
????️ Try this instead:
Ask: “What feeling do I miss most when I think of them?”
Then list a few other ways you could access that feeling.
If you miss feeling desired – can you dress up for you, dance in the kitchen, or flirt with life again?
Even if it’s just a 1% version of the feeling, you’re building your way back.
x
Inside the Attachment Recovery Gym you have access to a whole library of resources to help you become secure,
Takeaway Gem ????
If you’re caught in a loop of remembering the good times with someone who’s no longer in your life, know this:
There’s nothing wrong with you for finding it hard to let go. You cared deeply – and your mind is simply reaching for moments that once made you feel safe.
But now you have new tools, new awareness, and a new path. You get to honour the good times without letting them keep you attached to a story that no longer fits the life or love you want to create.
The good moments mattered. But they aren’t a reason to stay connected to someone who couldn’t show up in the way you deserve.
If you’re looking for more support, join me over on Instagram (@Carly.Ann_) where I share tips on how to move from anxious towards secure.
Meet Carly Ann
I help people who feel stuck in painful relationship patterns – whether it’s overthinking, feeling anxious, or struggling with trust – find a way out and feel more secure and confident.
My approach combines practical tools to challenge negative thoughts (CBT), gentle techniques to understand and release the tension you carry from past relationships (Somatic Attachment Therapy), and ways to build a kinder, more supportive relationship with yourself (self-compassion).
Together, we’ll work through the impact of past experiences so you can stop feeling overwhelmed and start feeling calm, clear, and ready to build healthier, more balanced relationships.
Work with me: