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Was it something I said?

Did I come across as too much?

Should I text them to check if we’re okay?

I’m guessing you know the feeling. They’ve started pulling away, gone a bit quiet, not replying as much, maybe even cancelling plans. And now, here you are, overthinking everything.

It’s so exhausting isn’t it? The way your mind spirals – replaying and dissecting every interaction.

It feels impossible not to take it personally.

But here’s the thing – it is not about you.

Their behaviour, the distance, the mixed signals, it’s actually rooted in their own story, not yours. People who pull away when you have a connection often have their own unresolved issues, shaped by times in their life when their emotional needs weren’t met. Their brain, trying to protect them, sounds an alarm even when there’s no real danger (you!).

Pulling back is their way of coping. It doesn’t make it okay, and it certainly doesn’t make it easier – but it’s an explanation, and did I mention.. it’s not your fault.

Still, knowing that doesn’t stop the pain or calm the urge to fix it. So, what can you do when your anxious attachment feels triggered and the distance between you feels unbearable?

What You Can Do If They’re Pulling Away

  1. Remind Yourself It’s Not About You
    I know it feels personal, it’s hard not to think you’ve done something wrong. But their behaviour reflects their own fears and struggles, not your worth. Say it out loud if you need to: This is about them, not me. I am enough as I am.
  2. Resist the Urge to Fix or Chase
    Let’s be honest – this one’s tough. When you feel the distance, your first instinct is to get closer. You might feel the pull to send a follow-up text, over-apologise, post a thirst trap, or make some grand gesture to remind them you exist. But every time you chase, you abandon a little piece of yourself. Trust me on this: you don’t need to prove your worth.
  3. Reflect on What Draws You In
    Take this as an opportunity to learn about yourself! Why does their distance affect you so deeply? Why are you drawn to people who can’t always meet your needs? This isn’t about blaming yourself, it’s about understanding the patterns that keep showing up in your relationships. Reflecting on this can be uncomfortable, but it’s the first step towards breaking free from it.
  4. Be Kind to Yourself
    When you’re triggered, it’s easy to turn on yourself. Maybe you criticise yourself for being “too needy” or “too sensitive” or “being back here again” but the truth is, this pain you’re feeling comes from a real, vulnerable part of you that’s craving love and reassurance. Meet that part with kindness. Speak to yourself like you’d speak to a scared child: I know this hurts, but I’m here for you. You’re safe now.

A Note from Carly Ann

When someone pulls away, it’s tempting to make it your mission to bring them back. But every time you do, you are simply reinforcing the idea that this person’s approval is the key to your happiness and your worth. The inner work here is you learning to hold yourself through these moments, to soothe your own wounds, and to choose yourself – over and over again (and again).

If you need a place to turn when you’re feeling triggered, space to ask your burning questions, or access to workshops and resources that support you in becoming more secure (so you don’t keep chasing these people), you have to check out my online membership: The Attachment Recovery Gym.


If you’re looking for more support, join me over on Instagram (@Carly.Ann_) where I share tips on how to move from anxious towards secure.

If you’re in you’re just in your learning and healing attachment era, make sure to check out The Attachment Recovery Gym – Giving you access to so many workshops and tools to help you explore and understand your own attachment style & healing – especially a great place when you are triggered.

JOIN HERE FOR ONLY £199 FOR A WHOLE 12 MONTHS


Meet Carly Ann

I help people who feel stuck in painful relationship patterns – whether it’s overthinking, feeling anxious, or struggling with trust – find a way out and feel more secure and confident.

My approach combines practical tools to challenge negative thoughts (CBT), gentle techniques to understand and release the tension you carry from past relationships (Somatic Attachment Therapy), and ways to build a kinder, more supportive relationship with yourself (self-compassion).

Together, we’ll work through the impact of past experiences so you can stop feeling overwhelmed and start feeling calm, clear, and ready to build healthier, more balanced relationships.

Work with me:

Join The Attachment Recovery Gym

Join Becoming Secure

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