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Anxious feelings often crop up when we worry that someone we care about might be pulling away. For those of us with an anxious attachment style, this can be especially hard.

Not Helping the Anxiety

Here are three behaviours that tend to amplify anxiety when you feel like someone is pulling away:

  1. Constant Checking: It’s tempting to obsessively check social media or overthink texts, searching for reassurance. Unfortunately, this usually just heightens anxiety. Pause and reflect on what you’re really seeking, and try to cultivate that comfort within yourself.
  2. Overanalysing Communication: It’s easy to read a message and interpret it in a way that might not match the sender’s intent. Give others the benefit of the doubt, they could just be busy, and their lack of response doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not interested.
  3. Reacting Too Soon: There’s a tendency to jump to conclusions driven by fear, instead of taking time to understand the situation. Take a step back and assess whether your reactions align with the kind of relationship you want to build.

Self-Soothing Strategies

Here are a few self-soothing techniques to help manage anxious feelings:

  1. Practice Grounding Techniques: Grounding exercises help keep you present and avoid knee-jerk reactions. Focus on your senses, particularly smell, to help calm down.
  2. SHIFT or SPIRAL: Follow this method to navigate tough emotions:
    • Spot what you’re feeling.
    • Halt for 90 seconds to take a breather.
    • Inspect your feelings without letting them define you.
    • Free your thoughts through visualisation.
    • Take time to identify what you need right now.
  3. Use What Helps: Keep a list of affirmations, useful tools, this PDF, and quotes that make you feel secure. Having these reminders handy is incredibly useful when anxiety starts to rise.

Closing Thoughts: Our past experiences don’t have to dictate our future. You have the power to soothe yourself and create safe, secure connections.

Bonus Self-Reflection: Think of a recent moment when you felt anxious or fearful in a relationship. What were the thoughts and beliefs behind those feelings? How might you respond differently now, using the tools and strategies that help you feel more grounded and secure?

Bonus Quote: “You can’t always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside.” Dr. Wayne Dyer

Bonus Top Tip: Next time you feel anxious about someone pulling away, pause and recall a moment when you felt truly close to them or someone else that is guaranteed. Let that feeling of connection ground you, reminding yourself that bonds can remain strong even in moments of uncertainty.


If you’re looking for more support, join me over on Instagram (@Carly.Ann_) where I share tips on how to move from anxious towards secure.


Meet Carly Ann

I help people who feel stuck in painful relationship patterns – whether it’s overthinking, feeling anxious, or struggling with trust – find a way out and feel more secure and confident.

My approach combines practical tools to challenge negative thoughts (CBT), gentle techniques to understand and release the tension you carry from past relationships (Somatic Attachment Therapy), and ways to build a kinder, more supportive relationship with yourself (self-compassion).

Together, we’ll work through the impact of past experiences so you can stop feeling overwhelmed and start feeling calm, clear, and ready to build healthier, more balanced relationships.

Work with me:

Join The Attachment Recovery Gym

Join Becoming Secure

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