So recently, I received this message on Instagram (it’s definitely worth asking!)
Hey Carly, I have just finished watching your video about taking back emotional power – thank you so much for this, I felt like you were talking about my situation completely. I have no power right now. I was with my ex for 3 months and everything was moving in the right direction, we were dating and he wasn’t like anyone else, I did think he was feeling like I was. He suddenly went off and was being really distant, and we have gone on to stop speaking completely. I have no idea what happened and he has really not even spoken to me. I can’t think of anything else, I am hurt, disappointed and just wish I could know what I did wrong. I don’t know if he met someone else, he never felt anything, if he is too busy right now or he just isn’t into me. Do you have any tips on how I move through this?
I don’t know the absolute reality of how things were going, I don’t know if there’s things you knew that you pretended you didn’t know, I don’t know if you know in your heart that this person is not your person , I also don’t know if the only reason you’re really bothered about this situation is because you are totally and utterly triggered by rejection .
What I do know, by the very fact that you’ve asked this question is that you feel like you need an answer , you need this to make sense, your ego needs to know this is not about you, your inner critic wants to blame you, your inner child wants to be picked .
It is true that when we perceive there to have been a sudden change it can be a real real struggle.
The truth of the matter is it could be one of those reasons that you’ve mentioned , it could be a combination of the reasons that you’ve mentioned, it might be none of the reasons you’ve mentioned.
In an ideal world you can ask this person and you can get a clear answer. if that is a possibility go for it run with it ask the hard question and accept the answer .
But here’s the thing it often isn’t so simple , you are either faced with someone who isn’t going to tell you the truth because perhaps they don’t know it, perhaps they don’t want to hurt your feelings, perhaps they don’t care.
On the other hand maybe you’re never going to ask the hard question because you’re afraid of the answer, you don’t know how to communicate yourself, well you’re afraid of looking needy I’m like you care.
There’s a few things here to make this a little bit easier for yourself during this difficult time.
The first thing I work with my clients around is understanding what happens when a Story seems incomplete, when there is confusion , or you will find yourself in an ambiguous situation . We don’t like that & we overthink when that happens . So at this stage I want you to find clarity and peace in the fact that it doesn’t make sense it seems like one minute they were into you and the next minute they weren’t how strange, but not at all uncommon. This is where I’m working with my clients 2 complete this Story, to help them make this painful story make sense even when it doesn’t make sense, it is in those moments that they truly are able to let go.
The next thing is, I encourage you not to take this personally, you are going to remain stuck here for much longer if you are making this about you. If you are ruminating over the shoulda, woulda, couldas, this is going to be much harder for you to move through . There is another person involved here with feelings, experiences, their own wounds, and their own views of the world.
If you’re someone who blames yourself, that is something to work on. Don’t make this about you.
Again I’m going to say this, I know that you feel like you could move on if you just knew what happened , and I’m here to tell you and give you the confidence to know, you can move on just the way it is. Just the way this has played out, just the way it has been , just the way it is. Your mind will get lost in the ways that it should be , could be , how you hoped it would be.
But that is not your reality. Your reality is that you were seeing someone where it all seemed to be going well and out of nowhere there was a shift . That is your reality, and now with that information, I ask you what is your next move?
If you are finding it hard to control your attention and to stop thinking about this I have a podcast episode that you can listen to how to stop obsessing and overthinking about your crush your love interest. you can listen HERE on Spotify or HERE on Apple Podcasts.
If this is a regular pattern that you fall into then I have an option for you, I have created a unique, cosy, transformative space of the Internet for women who lose themselves in love. It is a monthly membership offering you coaching, training, support, and a space to know that you are not alone, you are so welcome inside to meet your cheerleaders as you move through this phase of your life.
Carly Ann is a Self-Esteem & Relationship Coach, Podcaster, and Recovering Anxious Dater who is passionate about helping other women reclaim their worth in life & love.
Determined to put an end to you feeling ‘too much’, ‘crazy’, or ‘needy’ by giving you the inside scoop on why love makes you feel that way and how you can break free from people who enhance your insecurities.
Whether it is through her Podcast (Lessons in Love), free workshops, or private coaching, Carly Ann helps you go from insecure, anxious, and losing yourself in love, to feeling complete by yourself, totally irreplaceable, and standing in your power as the leader of your love life.