If you ask me, breakups are one of the hardest experiences we go through as people.
When someone you loved deeply is no longer in your life, it can feel as if your world is falling apart – you’re shattered.
But why does it hurt some people more than others?
The Science of Breakup Pain
So… I discovered a super fascinating study by two psychologists. Basically They found that the thing that determines how bad a breakup feels isn’t how long you were together, who broke up with who, or even how painful the breakup was. Crazy, right?
Instead, it was the way people thought about the breakup.
So if you are struggling more than others – this is probably why!
Negative thought patterns, such as self-blame and catastrophic thinking, were found to be the strongest indicators of deep suffering after a break-up.
Let’s break that down:
Self-Blame Sounds Like:
❌ I wasn’t enough.
❌ I messed up, and that’s why they left.
❌ If I had done something differently, they would have stayed.
Catastrophic Thinking Sounds Like:
❌ I’ll never find love again.
❌ I’m never going to be happy again.
❌ No one will ever want me.
When left unchecked, these thoughts don’t just make you feel worse, they keep you trapped in anxiety, depression, and grief far longer than necessary.
Why This Happens (and How to Stop It)
Imagine replaying every moment of your relationship, obsessing over what you should have done differently. Maybe you convince yourself that if you had just been more…more secure, more easy-going, more attractive – then they wouldn’t have left.
I don’t know you but I’m certain this kind of thinking isn’t just painful…it’s also not true. You are amazing and I just know it!
Relationships end for a million reasons, and the idea that you alone were responsible? That’s a story your brain is creating and I don’t buy it
Or take catastrophic thinking. You feel sad, and instead of simply allowing yourself to feel that emotion, your mind takes it further:
???? I’m sad, so I’ll always be sad.
???? I’m heartbroken, so I’ll never get over this.
But sadness isn’t proof that this is your future. It’s just an emotion…one that will pass like they always do
How to Break the Cycle
The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck in these thoughts. The study found that cognitive therapy (changing the way you think – was a powerful tool for healing).
It’s the same method used for PTSD and grief recovery, and it works just as well for breakups.
Inside the Attachment Recovery Gym or when I work with you in a power hour, we focus on rewiring these thought patterns:
➡️ Affirmations help you replace self-blame with self-compassion.
➡️ Worksheets guide you in catching and challenging old beliefs
➡️ Workshops to walk you through shifting your mindset and letting go, so you can heal faster and with confidence.
Takeaway Gem ????
Recognising these thought patterns is powerful. Awareness is the first step to change. If you notice yourself spiralling into self-blame or catastrophising, pause. Ask yourself: Is this thought helping me, or keeping me stuck?
Healing takes time, but you can move forward. And I’m here to help you do it.
If you’re looking for more support, join me over on Instagram (@Carly.Ann_) where I share tips on how to move from anxious towards secure.
Meet Carly Ann
I help people who feel stuck in painful relationship patterns – whether it’s overthinking, feeling anxious, or struggling with trust – find a way out and feel more secure and confident.
My approach combines practical tools to challenge negative thoughts (CBT), gentle techniques to understand and release the tension you carry from past relationships (Somatic Attachment Therapy), and ways to build a kinder, more supportive relationship with yourself (self-compassion).
Together, we’ll work through the impact of past experiences so you can stop feeling overwhelmed and start feeling calm, clear, and ready to build healthier, more balanced relationships.
Work with me: