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If you’re reading this, I’d bet my last cup of tea that you’re stuck in the loop. The loop that keeps bringing you back to them. Obsessing over their every word, their every move, and the possibility that they were “the one” and you’ve somehow messed it all up. I get it. I know how it feels to wake up with them on your mind and go to bed dissecting your last conversation, wondering what you could’ve done differently.

When you’ve got an anxious attachment style, this kind of spiral can feel all-consuming. But here’s the thing: obsessing over your ex isn’t helping you—it’s hurting you. And it’s time to pull yourself out of that cycle and start moving forward.

The first step is to come back to reality. When your thoughts are running wild, you’re probably not living in the present moment. Instead, you’re in a fantasy about what could have been or replaying an idealised version of the past. Maybe you’re scrolling through their socials, imagining they’re out there meeting someone new, or replaying that one perfect date you had together as “proof” that it was meant to be.

But here’s the truth: you’re not in the relationship anymore. Whatever you think is happening in their life right now or whatever meaning you’re assigning to that memory? It’s just a story your brain is creating. Ground yourself. Look around you. What’s happening in the here and now? Maybe you’re at home with a cup of tea. Maybe you’re on the bus, feeling like you could cry at any moment. Wherever you are, take a deep breath and remind yourself: This is my reality now, and I can handle it.

Next, do something meaningful to you. When you’re obsessing over an ex, your whole world starts to shrink. Everything revolves around them, leaving you feeling lost and empty. The quickest way to combat this is to expand your world again. Ask yourself: What’s something I care about that has nothing to do with them? Maybe it’s a hobby you’ve neglected because you were so wrapped up in the relationship. Maybe it’s catching up with a friend who’s been your rock through all this. Maybe it’s something as simple as going for a walk and noticing the world around you.

I once had a client who started volunteering at an animal shelter after her breakup. She told me it felt so good to do something that wasn’t about her ex or her pain—it reminded her that she still had so much to give and so much life to live. The point isn’t to distract yourself but to reconnect with you. When you do things that feel meaningful, you start to build a life that’s yours, not theirs.

Finally, remember this: your thoughts are not facts. This is a big one, especially for those of us with anxious attachment. When you’re in the middle of obsessing, it’s easy to believe every thought that pops into your head. Thoughts like they were my soulmate or I’ll never find anyone like them again or this breakup proves I’m unlovable.

But here’s the thing: just because you think it doesn’t make it true. Our brains are tricky like that. They take our fears and insecurities and spin them into stories that feel so real. But that doesn’t mean your ex was “the one” or that you’ll never move on. It just means your brain is trying to make sense of the pain.

Whenever you catch yourself spiralling, try saying to yourself: “This is just a thought, not a fact.” Then let it pass. You don’t have to believe it, and you definitely don’t have to act on it.

Moving on from an ex isn’t easy, especially when you’re wired to attach deeply and feel intensely. But you’re stronger than you think. You can stop the obsessive thoughts, piece by piece, by coming back to reality, doing what matters to you, and reminding yourself that your thoughts are just that—thoughts.

You don’t have to have it all figured out today. But you do have to start. You deserve a life that feels full, joyful, and yours. And trust me, it’s waiting for you on the other side of this.

Now tell me: What’s one meaningful thing you can do for yourself today? And if you’re ready to dive deeper into this journey, my course Becoming Secure could be the next step to help you finally leave this cycle behind and create the love you truly deserve.

If you’re looking for more support, join me over on Instagram (@Carly.Ann_) where I share tips on how to move from anxious towards secure. Inside the Attachment Recovery Gym, I’ve also shared worksheets and journal prompts to help you with your healing process. And if you’re ready to take it a step further, my course Becoming Secure is designed to help you break free from these patterns for good.

Let go, move forward, and give yourself the love and care you deserve.


Meet Carly Ann

I help people who feel stuck in painful relationship patterns – whether it’s overthinking, feeling anxious, or struggling with trust – find a way out and feel more secure and confident.

My approach combines practical tools to challenge negative thoughts (CBT), gentle techniques to understand and release the tension you carry from past relationships (Somatic Attachment Therapy), and ways to build a kinder, more supportive relationship with yourself (self-compassion).

Together, we’ll work through the impact of past experiences so you can stop feeling overwhelmed and start feeling calm, clear, and ready to build healthier, more balanced relationships.

Work with me:

Join The Attachment Recovery Gym

Join Becoming Secure

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