Recently, I received a message that made me think straight away, “This needs to be a podcast episode!” I know so many of you are struggling with the idea of letting go of someone who’s ultimately proven themselves to be unavailable. If you’re someone who longs to be in a relationship or if you’re dealing with the pain of repeatedly liking someone who’s not available, it makes sense that you’d want to know how to move on.
If you lean towards anxious attachment, the chances are that you’re even more drawn to someone who’s unavailable. It’s like it triggers all those old wounds around abandonment and rejection, making it feel harder to break free. It makes sense that you’d be wondering, “How do I let go of this person?”
So, I’m sharing six ideas to help you do just that. Consider these as a starting point, and remember, it’s okay if you’re experiencing inner conflict. You may still feel that pull toward the person, even after you begin practicing these tools. Letting go is a process, and it’s not always linear. Just be kind to yourself.
1. Practice Radical Acceptance
This one sounds simple, but it can create tension if you don’t know how to truly embrace it. To practice radical acceptance means to stop wishing that your life was different from what it is right now. Stop imagining this person suddenly changing their mind or becoming available. The truth is, you’ve reached a point where you know it’s time to let go. Radical acceptance is about truly accepting that. When we keep wishing things were different—thinking “Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve”—it creates anxiety and stops us from moving forward. It blocks us from living in the present moment, and that’s where change happens. So, let go of the idea that things should be different. That’s where peace begins.
2. Do a Pros and Cons List of Letting Go
Yes, it’s simple, but incredibly powerful. Write down the pros and cons of letting go of this person. If you’re ready to go deeper, also include the pros and cons of staying where you are. I have a feeling you’ll find there are more pros to letting go than holding on. This is helpful for a couple of reasons. First, writing it down helps you externalise your thoughts. It brings clarity. Secondly, when you find yourself struggling to let go, you can pull out your list to remind yourself why letting go is the right choice. Having something tangible in front of you is incredibly powerful.
3. Understand Why You’re Attracted to This Person
Anxious attachers often have a deep-seated pull towards certain people, and that’s because of past experiences. Letting go might feel like it challenges your sense of self-worth or threatens your future. It’s essential to explore why this person has such a strong grip on you. Doing this on your own can be effective—perhaps through journaling or meditating—but it’s also powerful to do this work with a coach or therapist. In my course Becoming Secure and my one-to-one sessions, we dive deep into these patterns to help you uncover why you feel drawn to someone unavailable, so you can avoid it in the future.
4. Connect with Your Wise Self
Your wise self is that version of you who’s grounded, confident, and self-assured. When you’re in a state of conflict, it’s helpful to connect with this part of you, as it can offer clarity. Ask yourself, “What does my wisest self know about this situation?” You might be surprised at how much wisdom you already have. Taking the time to connect with this version of yourself and trusting that inner voice can make all the difference. Healing your anxious attachment is about strengthening that relationship with yourself, so you can make decisions that are in your best interest.
5. Practice No Contact (or Minimal Contact)
Letting go of someone, especially someone who’s unavailable, can be tough, and I’m sure you’ve heard it before: no contact is the best option. That’s the reality. I know some of you may work with this person or even have children together, so I’m not saying you need to go full no contact, but minimising contact as much as possible is key. It will help you heal. If you don’t have to stay in touch with them, blocking them is a really healthy move. When you’re serious about moving on, limiting contact will help you focus on your own life. You’ll start thinking about them less, and you’ll regain the space to focus on your own needs and desires.
6. Focus on Your Own Joy
Anxious attachers tend to neglect themselves when they like someone. When that person is unavailable, the pull towards them increases. But this is the time when you need to come back to yourself. Focus on your routines, your hobbies, and what brings you joy. Instead of putting all your energy into thinking about this person, redirect it to yourself. Over time, you’ll notice that the space you’ve been giving them will start to fill with more of what you truly need. You’ll grow, and you’ll see things you couldn’t have seen if you were still clinging to them. Your life will open up in new ways.
There you have it – six ways to help you let go of someone who’s unavailable. Remember, this is a journey, and it will take time. Be patient with yourself, and know that healing is happening, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.
If you’re looking for more support, join me over on Instagram (@Carly.Ann_) where I share tips on how to move from anxious towards secure. Inside the Attachment Recovery Gym, I’ve also shared worksheets and journal prompts to help you with your healing process. And if you’re ready to take it a step further, my course Becoming Secure is designed to help you break free from these patterns for good.
Let go, move forward, and give yourself the love and care you deserve.

Meet Carly Ann
I help people who feel stuck in painful relationship patterns – whether it’s overthinking, feeling anxious, or struggling with trust – find a way out and feel more secure and confident.
My approach combines practical tools to challenge negative thoughts (CBT), gentle techniques to understand and release the tension you carry from past relationships (Somatic Attachment Therapy), and ways to build a kinder, more supportive relationship with yourself (self-compassion).
Together, we’ll work through the impact of past experiences so you can stop feeling overwhelmed and start feeling calm, clear, and ready to build healthier, more balanced relationships.
Work with me: