“Sometimes you have to forget how you feel, and remember what you deserve”
In the space of 2 years I have done my fair bit of dating. In that time I have faced ‘rejection’ four times.
Despite how it might seem, I have to tell you; I cannot stand the word rejection. It just sounds awful and immediately sets you up to feel terrible. Besides, you can’t be rejected if you don’t allow someone to have that status over you.
The people I have ended things with? I don’t consider I rejected them. I see it as there was just that thing missing and so, we didn’t fit.
It’s the same the other way around, they don’t want you? You don’t fit each other. Even if you think you do, you can’t possibly, because to fit, you both have to want it.
For the sake of ease, rejection is the word I will use.
I’m not sure how this rejection happened quite so many times, in what seems like a fairly short amount of time. These guys came along at the right/wrong time and it happened like clockwork. On one occasion, the same day I had accepted my fate with number 2, boom. girl meets boy. Hello number 3.
But as you know, this is not a love story 😉
They all ended the same; “too busy”, “focusing on work”, “not the right time”, “bla blaaa”.
What has been amazing to see (feel), is the intensity of the rejection. From one through to four it got easier.
You could assume it’s because I liked them less and less. But I know that’s not true. It wasn’t about who I liked the most. It was about how I reacted each time. Each time was different; each time I was a bit stronger, each time I was able to take less of the blame, each time I knew I deserved more.
Whether this person goes on to try and see you again or gets a girlfriend, you have to keep check of reality. It has helped me to differentiate between the facts and my imagination. So much of the relationship is in your head, you miss a relationship that didn’t actually happen. Resisting reality creates tension and upset.
No matter what my mind creates, it’s true that this other person is on his life journey too and he is entitled to that. He has his stuff, I have my stuff. Humans are complex. Relationships are complex.
So many women I work with cannot see past the excuses, the anger, the pain, the stuff.
Don’t get me wrong, there were times where I felt like I couldn’t take another hit and I was still sad when they ended. Some more than others.
I know I’m lucky enough to be coming at this from hind-sight, but much of this was my mind-set when things ended too.
Not being wanted by the person you think you love or could love, sucks. It sucks.
I only thought I could love one out of the four, I hadn’t considered it for the others (not because I couldn’t, but because it hadn’t got to that). So not being wanted by the person you really like and want to get to know, also sucks.
Alas, that is how this dating/relationship/life/love malarkey works.
You can’t take yourself out of the game, because fearing rejection will keep you living a sheltered life. That’s scarier than rejection for me. You can, give yourself time to heal, of course.
I don’t know about you, but when I haven’t felt that spark with someone and had to have the dreaded conversation, I have by no means judged their whole character. If anything, so often it is the opposite, I wish I did like them a) so I didn’t have to have this conversation and b) because they are good, nice people.
And no, this is not a ‘nice guys finish last’ type thing. It’s a ‘I haven’t met my magic guy yet and I happened to date other nice guys along the way’ type thing.
My point is, why when it is the other way around and I am the one being ‘rejected’, would it mean anything about me as a person?
There are 7 billion people in this world. Are you telling me, that because four of them don’t want to be with me that means I am not good enough or I’m unworthy of love in any way?
No. No. No.
Do not let the feelings of one person or four, dictate your worth.
I don’t know if there are plenty of guys I fit with, that depends on what you believe about ‘the one’. But there is only one person that I want to want me. And it isn’t someone I have to convince.
Now, I do not know what is in store for me or how long I have left on this Earth, so whilst I know I am not guaranteed to meet that one, I know wholeheartedly somewhere in this world, there is a perfect fit. Maybe that sounds crazy to you, or naïve. But I believe it (if that is the fault of fairy tales, then thank you fairy tales).
I don’t spend my time worrying about not meeting him. I used to, a bit. But not now. If I get to the end of my days having not met him, I believe it’s just that our paths didn’t cross, not because I am not worthy and no one wanted me or I’m unlovable, but simply, because our paths didn’t cross. (to be fair, my bff thinks the love of my life lives in Australia)
Let’s say I do cross paths with him; every single rejection, relationship and story, now plays a role in why we fit.
Every time I have felt rejection, you know what I have asked myself?
“What is the lesson?” – Whether that be about you or love. What can this teach you about what your real love needs from you or doesn’t need from you? AND that you need from him/her? or don’t need from him/her?
Each ending took me on a journey where I learned things about myself that I don’t think I was ready for prior. Each time I would dig a little deeper.
Even before these four, when my 5-year relationship ended, I asked myself:
“How am I going to make this pain be the best thing that ever happened to me?”. I wasn’t going to go through that for nothing. Are you?
What is the alternative really? To beat yourself up about what you should have done or could have done. We don’t have the power to change how that played out.
Here’s what I did; I let that person know my feelings. It was not about hiding how I felt or not feeding anyone’s ego. It was about me. I know, there is no way I can move on if I am wondering if me saying something would have made a difference. I wouldn’t have been able to move on because I have a powerful imagination, I would have convinced myself it was just the wrong time for him. Sound familiar?
This way, I knew for a fact he didn’t want to be with me.
That’s the good thing about painful truths, they allow you to move forward.
These days, when I have doubt and want to reach out, I can stop myself because I already know. I already know, they do not want to be with me. Reality. (By the way, that’s not as bad as it sounds. Remember, we don’t fit. )
Ok, let’s clear something up.
“What if I am the exception?” I hear you say…
Well, if you are, they will find their way back to you. And then when they show up, you ask them what is different? If nothing is different, you might as well close that door, because the outcome won’t be different either. (I know you well, you want to go again, just to see. Keep your wits about you. Remember, shame on them if they fool you once…)
Anyway, them coming back later, is not your concern right now. That is not to do with you. That is all them, so you do what you must do whether they are coming back or not. The cliché stuff: Learn. Grow. Live your life. Focus on the things you love. Spend time with people who love you. Do something new.
Every second you spend wishing someone would change their mind, or blaming yourself, is absolutely wasted. That is your energy and your focus. Your energy, that you need to create the life you really want. In fact, where is your energy?
I imagine my energy as if it is a real thing, like a ball of fire. This little technique happened by accident really. Two weeks before my 31st birthday the guy I was dating went to LA for a work trip and I’m sure his phone must have broken or something (lol, I did eventually hear from him after a week). I felt the shift before he left so it wasn’t a huge shock. All I knew, is this time, I’m chasing no one, and certainly, not telling a grown adult what’s wrong about not contacting the person you’re dating. (“Why didn’t you text him?” Because finally, I refused to make excuses for the shift. Wooo! Always have a mini celebration when you do something new.) Oh also:
It’s not your job to show this boy some education – Ella Eyre
I could not allow my focus, energy and imagination to be spent on someone who was not doing the same for me. I found myself asking the question “where is my precious energy right now?”.
Is it here, in London? Or is it there, in LA? Sometimes it was in LA. My energy. Was in LA. Whilst I was in London. Well that couldn’t happen. Every time I noticed my attention and energy had shifted to LA (whether it had been there ten minutes or an hour), I would visualise myself taking it back, bringing it home. I need my energy and focus with me. It’s mine and no one else can have it unless I allow them it. I need it because I’m building a life I love, that isn’t easy itself.
Wherever he is in the world, make sure he doesn’t have your energy with him, it’s wasted there.
The dating game is tough. It is. I see it, I hear it, I feel it. It’s especially tough when it gets cut off before you are ready.
Whether you are stuck in the cycle of him dropping in and out, there is not contact or you are being ghosted, you have to get serious now. Is this the way you want to live your life?
The way it is right now, is this what you want?
Don’t trick yourself into saying yes because you don’t want to lose this person for good. Be honest.
Do you want to be in limbo? Do you want to be on someone’s back burner? Do you want to be someone’s shoulder to cry on? Do you want to be someone’s booty call? Someone’s weekend girlfriend? Or weekday girlfriend?
If you answered yes, then fill ya boots. But if you answered no, do what you need to do to take control.
I am working with so many ladies who are wonderful, amazing people. Learning to love themselves for the first time or all over again. You can do just that. Build yourself up. Date yourself.
You won’t just stop missing him, or wanting him, but that doesn’t mean you have to text him him every time you feel low. Keep your behaviours in check and your mind will follow you.
I’m sorry that right now, the person you want doesn’t want you back. I am. But…
I can’t wait until the day it all makes sense. It will. One day, you will know the lesson you needed from this person.
For three out of four of mine, it makes complete sense.
The other one? I’m confident that one day it will make sense.
I know you’ve got this, even if you don’t. I am helping women through this every day, if you need that bit of strength through this time, do not even hesitate to reach out. Whether it is working with me or an informal chat, I’m here.
It is times like these you have to dig deep for the positives, feel through the pain and have hope.
Believe me, it’s almost a joke, how much you are not on your own.
Carly Ann xx