“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.”
– Brené Brown
As a single gal who has found herself in the trap of falling for the ‘wrong’ people many a times; I know how frustrating it can be to be told “just let them go”, “move on”, “stop investing your time in someone who isn’t investing it back”, “know your worth”.
The thing is, for an outsider, it is so obvious when someone is undervaluing themselves and wasting their time.
Obviously, my goal is to help you see your worth, absolutely. But like I say all the time; “when you’re in it…you’re in it”.
Not much I say is going to stop you responding to his call, believing you are the exception, thinking about him and just wishing he would call.
Maybe you even do know you are worth more, but acting in line with that feels near impossible right now.
Know Your Worth Anyway
If you doubt your worth every time you give them your time, you can easily get stuck in the ‘what’s the point of trying’ attitude. The side effects of this are giving him even more time, getting stuck in a downward spiral, drinking your woes away, meeting someone just like them and going through the same thing over and over again.
Letting go in one swift decision, is not a thing. It is an empowering moment when you realise it’s time to set them free, but there’s still a journey ahead. Afterall, this isn’t just about one person. You are attached to them for so many more reasons than just liking them; so many complex experiences and possible attachment issues have led your here.
So what do we do?
We make small changes and we acknowledge that change like we just won the lottery.
You extend how long it is until you give in and message. You ask where you stand despite the fact that might make them run. You don’t react next time they cancel. You don’t change your plans for them on Thursday night.
Do ONE thing different. Make this commitment to yourself to stick to this one thing. I don’t care if you text them declaring your love (try not to do that) so long as you don’t see them on that Thursday you promised you wouldn’t.
At the moment, you feel out of control of your emotions; you wish you didn’t meet him, you wish you could get him out of your brain.
I get it.
Take back some control. That is possible, even when you are in it. Do something different. One change is a big change. The side effect of this is building a trusting relationship with yourself every time you do what you said you will. This is how you build your self-worth up. Show Up for yourself in other ways.
I want you to start knowing your worth despite this relationship. This relationship (or lack of) is one part of your life, it is not all of it.
Start taking time out of thinking about this situation and focus on you. Start the project you have been putting off, try that exercise class, apply for that job. Do something to lift your own personal life up. It’s not a big deal if you then spend some time thinking about them again, so long as they are not getting ALL of you. The best bit is, it won’t be long until you realise how much better it feels to focus on you.
You are not going to be in this forever, this is going to pass. This person is going to pass.
You don’t have to wait to be over them to know your worth. You can learn whilst you are in it. Alongside all of this, you can learn your worth.
You may not realise it because it’s hard to measure and see at the time, but these small changes will make you feel a bit better, they are moving you towards your values and healthier relationships. Every decision moves you a step closer to waking up and this person not being the first thing on your mind.
You must acknowledge the tiny wins.
Do not give yourself a hard time because you gave in and text him, or you slept with him another time, or you can’t stop thinking about him. Are you kidding? It’s these things that push you towards letting go. When you realise how crap they make you feel, that’s when you really know it’s time to move on.
Take time to observe the energy this person is bringing into your life, compare this to the energy you want from your ideal life and even future partner.
This is your journey, this is your time to learn. This is your opportunity to grow. Yes it feels crap, but it’s not so bad having these life experiences…you get to help your friend, niece, daughter, sister, goddaughter out in the future, because you get it. You’ve got the T-Shirt.
Learn from this.
Learn your worth. Eventually, you will know your worth.
Carly Ann xx