So, you are attracted to the unavailable, hot & cold, unreliable type? And find yourself turned off by the ones that like you, pay you compliments, and that are actually available for a relationship?
Well, you might be surprised to hear this, but it is very common for the women I work with to face this frustration.
First, I hear about this theme you have noticed in your love life, next I hear the frustration. (for those of you that are regular in this community, you will know I fully recognise that frustration from my own experience too).
The frustration is real because it’s true that you do want a happy relationship. You want to find the available people attractive, and you want to walk away from those that are waving the red flags, but… what about the attraction? Because let’s face it, fancying your potential partner is very important.
It tends to be that you will either avoid the available person or you will date them until you just can’t anymore (maybe boredom or the “ick” has kicked in).
In terms of the women I work with in my coaching business, there is certainly a reason this pattern exists which I explain in the video and below.
It is extremely confusing when you experience this mismatch between what you want and what you feel, and not to mention the messy situations it can lead you to.
Before you can break out of this pattern and begin your journey to being attracted to the people who treat you right, you need to understand what is going on. This is really the only way you will truly break free.
If you want to hear why this pattern exists and receive 5 Tips on How To Break Free, watch the video below or keep reading:
So why does this happen?
In terms of who I am here to help.. It happens due to what has happened in the past for you. There has usually been a significant event involving abandonment, neglect, trauma, not getting your needs met, uncertainty, love not being available to you, or getting hurt over and over.
It is often the case in this situation that trust issues are at the core. You want love, you want to get close and be intimate and it feels deeply like this is all you want – yet either consciously or unconsciously you don’t trust it… and their lies the issue.
For many of the people I work with (& past me included) – we often blur the lines between feeling unsafe & chemistry.
Unavailable love, hot & cold, abandonment, anxiety – those are actually familiar feelings for your body – and it is usually the case that you perceive this to be love and exciting.
That thrill, those wins, that need to be accepted by someone unavailable is so strong, on such a deep unconscious level. And as you know, it is stronger than the knowledge – the knowledge that you deserve more, the knowledge that this person is going to hurt you, the knowledge that you have been here before.
The intensity of that connection feels too real for you.
Meaning that when someone who might actually be available comes along, they do not create that same anxious, nervous feeling within you – so you might assume this is boring. When they pay you compliments it may bring up negative emotions because you feel like they are trying too hard or even lying to you. You reject it, and it is a whole body kind of response – “the ick”.
Think of it this way – you are into the feelings of a dysregulated nervous system and not so into the feeling of a regulated nervous sytem.
So What do we do?
That part of you that does want a real, meaningful, genuine connection is totally valid. And you are going to have to re-train yourself to find someone who can love you attractive.
Here are 5 tips I work through with my clients, and when these are met with commitement and curiousity – they Work.
1. Create Feelings of Safety
2. Question Chemistry
3. Don’t follow your gut…yet.
4. Allow the Different Parts of You to Be Heard
5. Respect your SELF & Respect your inner child.
To hear these tips in more detail – you can watch the video above and hear me dive in to each one in a bit more detail for you.
OK – hopefully you have heard today that there is a real reason why you find yourself pulled towards painful relationships, and most importantly that you can absolutely change this pattern. This is what I help people with, it is healing I have been through myself so I tell you with confidence that it is my belief you can break free from this too if you are willing to face yourself & heal your SELF.
I’m Carly Ann! I am a Relationship & SELF-Esteem Cach, podcaster, and Recovering Anxious Dater.
I do it slightly different in that I go for a full mind, body, soul & abundance process – to really get to the core of the pattern & fears so that you can experience deep, significant transformations
I am here to help women who lose themselves in love, coaching them to go from insecure, anxious, & unheard to feeling whole, worthy, and irreplaceable in love, by rediscovering their sense of SELF & creating something BIGGER.
Come and get to know me more on Instagram @carly.ann_
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